Monday, March 23, 2009

Letter to Tech Support

I got this one in an e-mail. Very cute!

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
Noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance,
Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which
Operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
Programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and
then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0
and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
Problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htm l and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or
Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control of
all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is
an unsupported application and Husband 1.0 will cause it to crash.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You
might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Bathtub Meditations

As I was hurriedly getting ready to get out the door this morning, I spent a few minutes in the tub (very few!) pondering some things. I'd like to share a little of that with you.

I was realizing that, as age continues to creep up on me, I have the biblical mandate from God to share some of what I've learned with women younger than myself. That's a daunting task, as I often feel I haven't learned much. Please feel free to click on my "comments" below and add some of your own!

~Most important of all...enjoy them while they're young. It sounds very cliche', but it's true: they grow up too fast. I now have a teenager. When did that happen? It seems that just yesterday he was a little tow-headed toddler, following me around the house, and incessantly quoting Veggie Tales videos.

~Potty training does not last forever! Really! It seems like an eternity when you're laundering another pair of messy underpants. But seriously, it does not last "to infinity, and beyond." As someone wiser than myself once said: on college applications, they do not ask what age the student was when they were potty trained!

~It's okay that you don't know all the answers to every question. What a relief!

~Shower them with love. Don't spoil them, but shower them with love. There's a big difference.

~As much as you love them and long for a close relationship, your object is not to be their best friend. You are their PARENT. That is the role God gave you.

~Along that same line, boundaries are tough to enforce, but are absolutely necessary. Stick to your guns, mom. Someday, they will actually appreciate it.

~Save special things. I have a file for each of my boys, with all sorts of special keepsakes. Funny pictures, special things they've written (even things written for punishment--quite humorous at times!), grade cards... Of course, we can't save everything. But certain things are definitely "keepers". One day, you can hand those over to them. They will cherish those items.

~Show your love for Christ by example. It's a fact of life that little ones are going to interrupt your quiet times with God, unless you are up in the wee hours of the night (and sometimes even then!). But you know what? Even when they interrupt that time, they are seeing your example. They know that Mommy is spending time with God, even when they are begging for a drink or another pbj.

~Enjoy a good bubble bath now and then. It's a sanity saver! (Or a good caramel macchiato, or whatever is a good getaway for you.)

~Listen to advice from older moms. Some of it, you'll use. Some of it, you can set aside for later. Some of it, you'll simply discard in the recycle bin of your mind. But listen to it all. Even the most overbearing advice-givers can give you gems of wisdom.

That's all for this post...I look forward to what others will add!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Judas Asparagus

I'm not sure if a child did this, or some wisecracking adult. Either way, it's quite humorous!
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount.But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.