Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Thanks for the Forwards

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER--A Thank You for All Those Helpful Forwards!

Because of all your forwards...

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact I don't have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

I don't have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if
I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these product s are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on the cans.

Also, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet

I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore since it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I don't answer the phone anymore because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I don't have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my rear-end.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find
in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't drive my car anywhere now because we're no longer supposed
to buy gas from any gas stations.

If you don't copy this and send it to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM today, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day!


Mrs. Darling said...

How funny. I dont even read those emails. Lol I just hit delete and presto they're gone. I am, however, worried about that big bird with loose bowels doing something on my head, but oh well. :)

Hidden One said...


BekABoo said...

lol! So many of these are so absurd, aren't they?